Still on the road to discovering.

[Observant Demon]

Hello all.

I was here many years ago under a different name and was surprised to see this place is still here.

Well, much has changed for me anyways. Besides getting older I had to do much introspection as to what it is that resonated with me on a spiritual and psychological level.

At the time I was here I used a dragon as the thing that I felt was 'part' of me but as time went by I realized that this too was inadequate as a..partial identity?

The thing is I never really 'identified' with dragon; I still adore dragons but the problem is that I knew nothing about their reality (if you could call it that) and I did not care for the mythological depiction either which is what many base their 'knowledge' on. One reason I had chosen 'dragon' was because I adored dragons even as a child and often dreamed of being one but as I matured I came to realize that dreams are almost always metaphorical in nature so being a dragon in a dream can mean many things depending on the person.

So I spent time trying to figure out what it was that resonated with me and, like many -I suspect- there wasn't just one but many creatures that resonated with me. Some more than others; some seemed more prevalent depending on the situation. See I never 'identified' with anything other than human. I have a human body, human biology, human physiology, human psyche, human drives (more or less) and so I just put the whole 'otherkin' concept out of my mind while telling myself that any feelings of being out-of-place or feeling like an alien in a strange land or -one explanation I use- is being in a massive carnival with all sorts of flashy and noisy attractions yet nothing really attracted me personally.

So I am here again, not because I am necessarily searching but rather trying to invent then refine what it is that resonates with me at level beyond the physical or basic mental level.

While I still love dragons I realize that 'they' were never really a part of me nor was there any real connection either. More of a 'hanging around until one of us got bored and left' connection.

Wolves were nice but again were not a big player in my mental landscape; lots of creatures passed through that landscape of my mind but nothing stayed for long.  For now the creature/species that seems to occupy my inner landscape is demons.

Not the biblical types nor necessarily the type that most mythologies depict; beings that focus on being bad/mischievous or delight in deception and mocking to the point of cruelty.

My 'demons' are not much different than any other sentient/sapient beings as they have their lives, their civilizations, their own set of morals, values and ethics. To be clear I do not 'identify' as one but something about them resonates with me. Perhaps in so many stories I felt sorry for them as they were often discriminated against just because of what they were. (Not that I am implying I feel discriminated against)

So my point is that I made a mistake in letting a philosophy try to tell me what I am or that I must call myself something that I clearly am not.

I like dragons but I am not a dragon. I like wolves but I am not a wolf. I like Snakes but I am not a snake. I like kitties but I am not a kitty.

I simply do not identify with them in any meaningful way nor do I feel them to be any part of my psyche.

So what do I identify with or as, you might ask?

Well, I am a human. Period. Inside and out. No phantom wings, no phantom tail, no desire to retreat to a dark cave or hunt in the forest.

My inner landscape however seems to be a bit more complicated and abstract because I have not pinpointed what it is that 'resonates' with me and maybe that is and was my mistake is feeling that I had to settle on just one being (maybe a couple) and this led me to turn my back almost completely on the umbrella of 'otherkin'.

I am not here so I can 'rediscover' anything but rather to look at the whole situation through a more mature set of eyes and mind.

I never acted like whatever it was that I felt I resonated with; no roaring, no costumes, no weird habits, no anything. My inner landscape is mine and mine alone to divulge all my inner secrets is to basically deflate and minimalize that aspect. Hope that made a little sense as my brain derails sometimes...